Forgiveness: How to Forgive a Person Who Has Hurt You Badly

NOTE: This article is about the steps for forgiving someone who has hurt you badly. Forgiving them is good for you. Forgiving them gives you peace. Here’s why forgiveness is worth it, and how to go about forgiving someone who hurt you.

Forgiveness: Such an easy, simple concept; and yet. It’s so hard to do sometimes. Especially when transgressions have been terrifyingly painful.

There’s quite a lot of clinical research on what forgiveness does for us, and you can find plenty of these studies online. But Biblically speaking, which holds more relevance in my world, tells us that forgiveness is the real key to peace.

Forgiveness, and getting to the place where you may even be able to feel gratitude….and perhaps even pray for the transgressor—-these can lead you to peace. Sounds so easy, right?.

It’s an important CHOICE to forgive. And it is certainly a choice. When you forgive someone a deep hurt, this act gives YOU freedom. Freedom from the venomous and harmful emotions of bitterness and hatred.

I felt called to write about this process of forgiveness from my viewpoint because I know how hard it is to forgive some terrible abuses and even some that many people might say are “mild.” But you must. For your own sake, you must forgive.

Recently, a family incident happened that triggered some feelings that I had to act fast to control. You see, there is one person in particular who I have been in the process of forgiving for a long time (it’s a journey). So, I’m writing about my process here, and maybe it will help someone out there, maybe you!

We have the best role model for forgiveness….

Here are the steps I take to forgiveness, peace, and calm, for myself and others:

“Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.—-Mark Twain

First, keep in mind:

Forgiving someone for a wrong doesn’t make what they did OK. Doing wrong to someone else is NEVER right. There’s never an excuse.

You may never get an “I’m sorry” from the person who hurt you, and this is ok. It’s just something to accept.

But by forgiving, by making the active choice to truly let go, you free yourself from bitterness and hate and all the negative energy those two emotions entail. Those negative emotions ruin your heart and soul. I think they steal your humanity.

Also, it’s really hard to “feel” like forgiving. But ultimately, forgiveness is a choice—-it’s not a feeling.

Now that I’ve mentioned those things to remember, here’s how to forgive a person who hurt you.

How to Forgive:

Step 1) Relive the Event(s) and Feel the Emotions They Stir Up

If you’re trying to forgive a person, and you are just starting your process, this step is important. You have to be able to acknowledge how much pain or trauma you’ve had to deal with. Also, you should really ask yourself, how bad was the transgression, really? Be honest about all the things.

I’ve had people tell me that this is “being a victim” of the other person, hanging onto it, and just “not letting it go.”

But I disagree.

This emotional acknowledgment is vital to being able to 1) take responsibility for your own feelings; 2) let them go; 3) and move on to forgiveness.

NOTE: This does NOT mean holding a grudge and obsessing over the incidents forever. NO, and NOT at all. This shouldn’t take days or even hours. You do NOT want to hold any kind of grudge for any length of time because it will eat away at your soul.

Holding a grudge only makes you ugly.

For me, re-feeling all the trauma that my ex created in my life made me realize that I had been trying to just make it go away. I had been trying to pretend the things never happened. I had been shoving it down, over and over. But bad things DID happen. All the things happened. And my feelings are REAL. My feelings are powerful. Your feelings are powerful.

Acknowledging your real feelings helps you forgive without reducing the simple truth that you were hurt—that someone hurt you.

Reliving negative feelings can be very painful, and you may need to get some help from a Christian counselor for this. Don’t tamp down any of the bad feelings. If your instance(s) are like mine, this could be very, very painful and traumatic. It might even take a while. (But please. Don’t hold a grudge.)

NOTE: I did see several counselors for my trauma. The one that finally worked was from my church. This young woman helped me like none of the others did. This is because forgiveness (both for yourself and others) is a spiritual act.

Step 2) Acknowledge Any Good That Came from the Event(s)

Now you need to look at all the good things that may have occurred because of the trauma(s).

Yes. I said that right. The GOOD things.

Try to focus only on these. See? Dwell on Lovely Things…. There are perhaps some great things that may have come from your experience(s).

Here are some of mine:

My children are the very greatest of the good things that came from my past life of trauma way back in my twenties. I have two college degrees ), and I learned that with God’s help, I can do things. He does indeed give us strength. I learned I can take care of my financial needs by myself.

I have had experiences that I will never repeat because now that I understand God’s role in my life and my identity in Christ for real…I won’t ever be in those situations again.

I finally found Christ. It took me a long, long time….but finally after being thumped in the head enough times through making my mistakes; by being at the very rock bottom of life….I found Him.

Knowing God gives you so much strength. Without my negative experiences, I would have continued to live in complacency. Sometimes it takes some terrible trauma to get right with God and to start truly understanding WHO you are and WHOSE you are.

It’s easy to patly say these things without ever having had any negative experiences. But when you have been through some bad times and severe pain, and you learn the truth, I believe it’s so much more powerful when you finally learn your identity in Christ.

Anyhow, think of the good things that came from the trauma, if there are any at all. You may have to dig deep here. But doing this will help make it easier for you to let it go. And forgive.

Step 3) Ask for Forgiveness for Yourself

This is related to part of what I said above.

Get a picture of the person who wronged you, or just write his/her name. Then, list all the things you did to hurt that person. Here’s where it’s wise to acknowledge that relationships are a two-way street, and if you’re anything like me, you might have a lengthy list of forgiveness requests on your side too.

If you did nothing to hurt that person, then list things in general you need forgiveness for. We’ve all done bad things….some of us some truly heinous things.

Recognizing our humanity and acknowledging you need or would like forgiveness for these things just might make it easier for you to forgive your tormentor.

God forgave us. He redeemed us. He saved us. If He can do this, then this is our guideline to forgive those who trespass against us, too. No matter how awful the hurts. And you may have to forgive yourself for some things too.

What did I forgive myself for?

For being so weak that I put up with behaviors that I had no business putting up with. For disempowering myself by cowering in the face of his rage and not doing something about it, like fighting back…. Or leaving sooner. For not trusting others to help me. For doing things to “get back” at him, that ultimately hurt me and others. For making some terrible and immature mistakes in those years. For isolating. For not having strong boundaries (something that has taken years for me to develop) in how I allow another person to treat me.

Yes, I have had to forgive myself.

It doesn’t matter that the reason behind my own terrible and sinful actions back then were because I was in a great deal of emotional pain. I was looking for a savior in all the wrong places.

Anyhow, I have had to work on these steps of forgiveness toward my own self for my actions, or lack of them back then; and my poor choices that contributed to the state I was in and that affected other people in my family.

There comes a time when you must take responsibility for your poor choices, if you made any. And you may need to forgive yourself for things you said or did, or perhaps just by allowing yourself to be mistreated.

NOTE: If you were a child when something bad happened to you, then it’s most likely you have nothing to forgive yourself for. Unfortunately, children are truly helpless in certain situations.

But as adults, we must do our very best to not allow ourselves to be completely disempowered, even though I know it’s hard. I was there in that hard place of disempowerment, cowering like a dog. It took me far too long to get out. I forgive myself.

So, forgive yourself; and ask God for forgiveness too. And let it go.

“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:6-7

and

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9

You see, the first step to forgiving yourself for any of the things you may have done that were hurtful is to ask God for forgiveness.

In my experience, getting forgiveness that’s so freely given by our Father in Heaven, then forgiving yourself, will help you be able to actually forgive the person who hurt you.

Let it go…..

Step 4) You Must Ask God for Help

This is the most important step of all, in my opinion, although they all work together.

Forgiveness, especially for very serious wrongs, requires some major supernatural and spiritual help from God. Admit your helplessness and struggle to forgive, and place your plea for help to forgive the person who hurt you in His hands.

Here’s a prayer I have said over and over again, until I could release all leftover toxic bitterness. And when it comes back, as it may since the enemy is out to kill, steal, and destroy, I pray it over and over as needed:

“Dear Heavenly Father,

Please help me to forgive (name), because I can’t do it on my own. Please help me because I know that you have forgiven everyone in the whole wide world. Please help me understand and remember all the time how much you have forgiven me, so I can be able to forgive (name).

Please bring me peace in my heart and soul.

In Jesus’ name

Amen.”

I begged God to help me NOT be a victim: Instead to be empowered, hopeful, strong, courageous.

To be a Proverbs 31:25-26 woman:

“Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future… She opens her mouth in wisdom and kindness is on her tongue.”

God is the ONLY reason I have any sanity about any of the past problems and occurrences from this previous marriage and subsequent years of trying to co-parent with a man I was no longer married to as he continued to scream at me for the next two and a half decades.

God is the ONLY reason I have peace right now.

Depending on how much you feel you need to forgive, you will likely have to reach out often to God at first. I did. Over and over again. And over time, He has taken away most of the bad feelings. Sometimes they still rear their ugly heads, but with tools and with God, I can handle this and stay in peace, at least most of the time.

It’s a process, like I said.

Step 5) Get Rid of Any Desire for Revenge and Set Boundaries, If You Need Them

A vengeful spirit is still one full of bitterness and toxicity. A vengeful spirit is one that wants to “get back” at another person for a perceived of real wrong. It’s a sign of bitterness and hatred that lingers in your soul. Get this desire for any kind of revenge out of your heart and mind.

Luckily, I am not really a vengeful person, and I didn’t struggle with this. BUT, I struggled terribly with boundaries. My weak boundaries were the reason I ended up with an abusive person in the first place.

My ex was violent and abusive, and I was afraid all the time. I won’t go into details, as there are simply too many, but suffice to say, trauma over and over is a terrible thing for your mental health. Eventually a doctor told me I was suffering from PTSD and prescribed medications for depression and anxiety.

I lived in fear of him.

The violence and bullying, which defined, is any kind of yelling, body language, contemptuous look, physical hurt, or any other way to make another person feel inferior, whether or not physical violence is included, can cause some serious mental health disorders, especially over time, in most people.

I’m not angry anymore. Especially when I insert my own misdeeds into the equation—-and they are certainly there. That’s why Step 3 is vital in the process.

But I am still fearful of being bullied by him, to this very day. This is because….whenever I must attend an event with him, the bullying still happens. Not as bad, of course, but it’s there.

I realized I am powerless against this man….So, I needed boundaries. Strong ones.

Setting boundaries and keeping them empowers you to not be a victim. Boundaries allow you to retain a level of composure, retain compassion, and retain your dignity. Boundaries are whatever you need to keep your own peace.

So I prayed more:

“Dear Heavenly Father,

Please help me let go of any negative feelings about (insert name) as they appear in my mind and maybe my tongue. I know these feelings are real, so I’m not trying to say they don’t exist, but please take them away from me. Please don’t let them control me anymore. Please take the memories of the abuse and trauma away. Please help me to dwell ONLY on the lovely things, the GOOD things I’ve learned through my experiences, and yes, the good things that came from those years.

And, Father, please help me to set boundaries around my dealings with (name) so that I can retain my peaceful heart and joyful spirit. So that I can continue to think good thoughts about the situation.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.”

Here’s what God says about revenge:

“Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.” Romans 12:17-19

Yes. ALL men. We must be at peace with everyone in our hearts.

Here’s what God says about having healthy boundaries:

“Do not associate with a man given to anger; Or go with a hot-tempered man, Or you will learn his ways And find a snare for yourself.” Proverbs 22:24

Does forgiving mean I need to remove my boundaries?

NO.

I created my own personal boundaries for my presence when I need to be around this man because I have to do what is healthy for myself at this time in my life. They remain strongly in place.

Perhaps one day, I can reduce them and maybe even be in his presence without protection from Mr. V. (my husband for those of you who don’t know me), but for now, I just can’t.

If you must be around the person who hurt you, you are allowed to set personal boundaries so you aren’t further hurt. In fact, you must. If you think you’re safe, then of course boundaries may not be necessary. You’ll have to decide this for yourself.

There’s another step in forgiving someone, and maybe it’s the most important step of all:

Step 6) Pray for the Person Who Hurt You

Yes. Pray for that person. Ask God to bless their life. Ask for them to get to know God, for real.

This, I have to say, was the hardest step for me.

I mean, what the heck?

Pray for blessings on a man who made my life a living nightmare for decades?

To the point I actually had my suicide planned out? To the point where a doctor put me on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications? To the point I gave up my home and and took my young boys to a roach-infested apartment because he demanded the house and not the children? (That was an easy decision.)

Regardless….

I prayed for him. And I prayed some more. And I prayed again.

Over and over and over again, I prayed.

I prayed that he would find peace. I prayed that he would find God. I prayed that he would become a good man. I prayed that he would have ALL the blessings poured out from God into his life.

Here’s what God says about praying for your enemies (those who hurt you):

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.

For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? Therefore, you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” Matthew 5:43-48.

We are told to rise above the bad feelings, the grudges, the bitterness, the anger. We are told to love our neighbors, our enemies, our persecutors. We are told to pray for them.

Step 7) Recognize the Enemy is Involved:

This part is HUGE.

Another step is to remember and acknowledge how the enemy’s hand plays out in your circumstances (and your enemies’ choices too). Satan is real. He is of this world, and he will do anything and everything to cause problems.

For me, realizing and deepening my understanding of the spiritual battles we all face has helped me forgive.

Realizing that my ex-husband was dealing with traumas of his own that caused him to treat me the ways he did and that Satan is certainly involved has also helped me to release bitterness.

Essentially…It’s not all his fault.

Another thing we can pray for those who hurt us is that the scales be removed from their eyes (and our own).

“And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing, in whose case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelieving so that they might not see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.” 2 Corinthians 4:3-4.

The god of this human world is Satan. Anything of the world and not of the Spirit is of Satan. Therefore, we have a lot of people, even those who call themselves Christian (I was one for most of my life) who in their lack of understanding are simply blinded to what our heavenly Father wants from us.

Until a person actively reads the word of God, from His mouth, and tries to understand, prays and develops a real and personal relationship with God, they will not have understanding. As long as we are swayed by those things “of the world,” or of Satan, then we are lost.

I can say this from experience. I can say this from the experience of living for years with a veil covering my eyes, even though I was raised a good Christian girl.

I can say this from what the difference is in my thinking, acting, and being after immersing myself in the Word, day after day. There is a huge difference.

Even though I wish I were one of the PC’s (Perfect Christians—-you know, those who have lived unsullied lives—-and really, I don’t think one actually exists), I’m certainly not one of these. And my bad choices and sometimes horrific experiences have grown me.

There’s peace in all things.

These days, if I’m “triggered,” or those old bitter emotions well up, I repeat these words of Jesus:

“But He turned and said to Peter, “Get behind Me Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me; for you are not setting your mind on God’s interests, but man’s.” Matthew 16:23.

Try to see through the person to what is really causing the misbehavior and hatefulness: Satan. Our ultimate enemy.

Final Thoughts on How to Forgive:

Here is a summary of the steps to forgiving a person who hurt you:

1) Acknowledge the painful feelings. They are real.

2) Acknowledge any good things that came from the event or that time with the person.

3) Ask for forgiveness for yourself. Forgive yourself.

4) Ask God for help.

5) Get rid of any desire for revenge (do not hold a grudge) and set boundaries if you need to.

6) Pray for the person who hurt you.

7) Recognize that the enemy is involved in the pain.

On the other side:

I’m actually grateful for my many painful experiences with my ex and with other men, because without these experiences, I wouldn’t have the understandings I have now. I wouldn’t know how to think about real and perceived hurts. I wouldn’t be as healthy in my mind and heart. And I am in process. I love that as my relationship with God grows, I will continue to grow too.

And by the way, I do not hate men. Because I learned to turn to God, my picker was fixed. I am now married to a truly GOOD man. A man of God. I am so blessed. I would not have found him (or he, me), if I hadn’t been through some trying times.

I am so grateful to God.

Without God, I would still be living in a mire of twisted emotions, bitterness, and hateful thoughts. It’s horrible to live like this.

I thank God every single day for His words in the Book of Truth, and I hope you’ll dive into those words as I have learned to do. I can’t tell you how much it’s helped me. Of all the things I’ve tried in the past: meditation, yoga, counseling, prescription medications, exercising like the dickens (I used to be really fit), truly, what has helped me the most is:

God.

God’s word. God’s truth. God’s help. God’s support. God’s acceptance. God’s forgiveness. God’s lovingkindness. God’s grace.

Please, if you’re dealing with any kind of anger toward another, even if it’s mild, try forgiveness.

Maybe these steps will help you, like they help me.

And remember:

Forgiveness is a journey, with many twists and turns.

Forgiveness is completely worth it.

Blessings to you and your journey,

Heidi

P.S. I would love it if you would sign up for the newsletter for beautiful living tips and inspiration. Just complete the form below:

Has someone hurt you badly? Are you holding onto bitterness, anger, and maybe hate? Are you holding a grudge? It’s time to find peach. Here’s how to forgive someone who hurt you. Even little hurts can fester, but if you follow these steps, maybe you’ll feel better. #forgive #howto #betrayal #yourself #findpeace #letgo #agrudge #getridof #bitterness #dwellonlovelythings

Resources:

https://www.thehopeline.com/how-to-forgive/

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or a mental health professional. Nor am I a pastor. Statements made here are only for informational purposes, and are not meant to treat, cure, diagnose, or prevent any disease or illness or disorder. Please be sure to seek professional advice if you are struggling.